In 1998, I sat down in my stylist’s chair with an image of Gwyneth Paltrow with the pixie lower she made well-liked within the movie Sliding Doorways. It’s possible you’ll bear in mind the movie; in it, Paltrow’s character’s life splits in two. In a single model, she makes the subway because the doorways are closing; within the different, she doesn’t. Within the model the place she makes the subway, she arrives dwelling early, definitely sooner than her boyfriend expects, to seek out him in mattress with another person. She leaves him, cuts her hair brief, begins a brand new life. Within the different model, she returns dwelling as deliberate, preserving her lengthy hair and her illusions.
My stylist first staged a mini-intervention. She informed me that whereas she may give me that haircut, it might not look precisely like Gwyneth Paltrow as a result of I didn’t have Gwyneth Paltrow’s hair. I did it anyway. She was proper.
Anytime I get my hair lower, then and now, no small a part of me believes {that a} new me is about to emerge. Then the following day, I understand it’s simply me… with a hair lower. It’s a tough lesson: You possibly can enhance and alter. However you’re nonetheless you. With highlights. A brand new job. A bolder lip.
Final yr, I ended a four-year relationship with a person, a NYC police officer. It was the longest relationship I’d ever had. And that was lengthy sufficient. I’d lived alone for 25 years and guarded my time and independence. And so I used to be sincere with him from the leap: I had by no means lived with a person and had no intentions of dwelling with one now. However he had beliefs, too, about how love would change an individual, and if not, {that a} gradual and predictable merging of lives was inevitable. However the reality was, I used to be nonetheless me… with a boyfriend. I referred to as it off, maybe later than I ought to have.
They are saying you’ll be able to’t simply flip a change and determine to be homosexual. And to be truthful that’s not precisely what occurred: I’d had robust emotions for various girls over time — kissed my finest good friend in faculty, developed a crush on a folks singer in my 20s, even slept with a number of bored, bisexual wives in my 30s — however thought-about them occasional feverish exceptions at finest.
In spite of everything, I’d dated males all my life and by no means questioned it in any possible way. Nor did anybody else. And that is how the thought of who you’re can set in: zero proof on the contrary. Even the ladies I did discover interesting for causes I couldn’t articulate appeared to strengthen my heterosexuality: I used to be so straight, I used to be even drawn to girls who seem like males.
Yeah, that’s not what which means.
A month after my breakup, and apparently, every week after I officiated my pals’ homosexual marriage ceremony — coincidence? — I flipped my courting search to girls. Simply to see.
A lot of the profiles didn’t attraction to me. After which I noticed her: a lady with a bleached pixie lower, a wing of blue hair over her eyes. She seemed much less like a lady and extra like a nymph, a fairy who’d seduce you in a yellow wooden and hold you as her lover within the stomach of an outdated elm for 100 years.
We matched. I gave her truthful warning that I used to be the final individual she ought to meet. First off, I used to be not homosexual — and what’s worse, I had simply damaged up with a long-term boyfriend.
“If I have been one among your pals,” I wrote, “I’d inform you to run.”
We met for espresso anyway. Then every week later, for brunch. I felt like I used to be making use of for a job I used to be not certified for. We kissed shyly on the nook of 72nd and Broadway, and I trembled the entire method dwelling.
“Do you want her?” my good friend requested. “I imply, do you wish to date her or buy groceries along with her?”
I didn’t know. A part of me believed there was no lesbian on the planet who would take me severely. How may they? Once I had so a few years of males to account for?
The blue fairy texted me the following day and stated I’d been on her thoughts. “I used to be considering of your hair,” she stated. “I prefer it.”
“Why don’t I come over tonight?” she stated.
“Positive,” I replied. “Ought to I make dinner?”
“Let’s skip dinner,” she stated.
SOS, I messaged my pals: “She’s coming over in an hour and we’re not having dinner. All caps. THERE IS NO DINNER.”
“You’ll be high quality!” they informed me. “Have enjoyable!”
She arrived at 6 p.m. I needed to climb down from the ceiling to reply the door. I do know you don’t drink, I stated, however I’m going to want one.
I shook a grimy martini almost to loss of life within the kitchen after which sat beside her on the sofa. It felt like swinging each legs over a fence and making ready to leap.
After which she kissed me. I’m going to attempt to withstand all hyperbole once I say that it felt like I had simply surfaced from ten leagues below the ocean. As if I’d by no means breathed earlier than, and would by no means get sufficient air.
The following day was April eighth, and I do not forget that as a result of it was the day of the photo voltaic eclipse. And whereas Manhattan wasn’t within the path of totality, the sunshine went down like a dimmer change, the colours flattening to sepia tone. My good friend Kim and I have been sitting on a wall within the park, taking turns peeking on the solar by means of these flimsy glasses because it waned to a vibrant cuticle.
“So, that is taking place,” she stated. “Proper?”
It appeared a gross understatement to say sure. After all, sure. I had by no means felt extra sure.
A couple of minutes later, the solar waxed to fullness, the colours returned, however nothing seemed the identical.
Once I say I “got here out,” it’s not like I’d been harboring a secret. Extra like I’d stumbled upon one thing unbelievable, like a unicorn in my kitchen. How did that get there? What do I do with it? After which wanting to inform each single individual I ever knew about it.
I can’t converse for all late-in-life lesbians, however I feel I had it fairly simple. Once I informed my pals I used to be courting girls now, it was like I’d proven as much as brunch with bangs. They’re like, Whoa wasn’t anticipating that, however what’s vital is that you just like them.
Folks have been additionally fast to offer me an out — saying issues like, “You might not be homosexual, you could simply be in love with this individual.” However I didn’t have to be protected against it. Homosexual felt proper. It’s like saying, perhaps you similar to this omelette; it could not imply the rest.
No, fairly certain I like eggs. Interval.
I fell so head over heels for this blue fairy, it shocked me and everybody else. Me, who’d all the time been traditionally gradual to assert the girlfriend mantle and loath to let go of my single standing. Sure, I needed to be her girlfriend. Proper now. When she talked about presumably shifting out of her house 10 blocks from mine, all the way in which to Brooklyn, I used to be inconsolable.
I used to be completely different with my girlfriend than I’d been with any man: light and accommodating, handled her like glass. I informed her she was the one one for me, and I believed it.
Perhaps this was my drawback! I wasn’t aloof and dedication phobic — perhaps I used to be simply homosexual. And now that I used to be embracing who I used to be, absolutely this could repair every thing.
However deep down, that a part of me who’d all the time frightened I wasn’t good sufficient, ok, fairly sufficient, merely had a brand new worry: That I used to be not homosexual sufficient. That I used to be solely homosexual due to her, that I used to be merely… homosexual by affiliation.
It didn’t take lengthy, a month or two, for purple flags to emerge and for the blue fairy to disclose herself as a grasp manipulator. In July, issues constructed to a frenzied state: She accused me of getting the “mistaken attachment fashion”; I accused her of asking for greater than any individual may give. We have been most likely each proper.
You recognize the place that is going. It ended as quick and furiously because it started. It was essentially the most excruciating breakup of my life.
My entire life, my worry of dedication had boiled all the way down to the idea that I might disappear right into a relationship with a person and stop to exist. And what should be blamed for me anguish now was that I assumed if I let her go, this homosexual model of me would associate with it.
It took me some time to acknowledge that I may and would nonetheless be homosexual with out this individual. That what I used to be actually crying about was the lack of one thing I couldn’t really lose: myself.
I didn’t want a girlfriend to be homosexual, and I additionally didn’t have to vary. Briefly, I used to be nonetheless simply me… with a brand new sexual id.
A yr later and I’m joyful to report that I’m nonetheless right here. I’m nonetheless homosexual. Identical hair; new day.
Terri (proper) along with her sisters.
Joyful Pleasure Month!
Terri Trespicio is the creator of Unfollow Your Ardour: Create a Life that Issues to You. Her TEDx discuss, Cease Looking for Your Ardour, has been seen greater than eight million instances. She can also be the founding father of The New Guidelines Studio, a reside, real-time writing workshop for getting work executed. She earned her MFA in artistic writing from Emerson Faculty and lives in Manhattan.
P.S. “What 9 films and exhibits with homosexual characters meant to me,” and the “little homosexual home” in Portland, Oregon.
(Illustration by Julia Rothman for Cup of Jo.)
