Tuesday, July 1, 2025

9 Girls Speak About Joint Custody — the Highs, Lows, and Surprises

9 Women Talk About Joint Custody — the Highs, Lows, and Surprises

9 Women Talk About Joint Custody — the Highs, Lows, and Surprises

“My sister is staring down the barrel of sharing custody of her daughter,” wrote a Cup of Jo reader named Jess. “Shedding that point along with her presently appears not possible to return to phrases with. It might be great to listen to how others have discovered it — the challenges, the practicalities, and (particularly) the sudden joys.” A reader named Sarah then replied, “Oh my goodness, I’m going through this challenge myself and feeling so misplaced and heartbroken. Sure, please.”

So! We requested 9 divorced girls about life with joint custody — the nice elements, the robust elements, and what shocked them. Listed below are their solutions (and if you happen to’re up for sharing, we’d love to listen to your experiences, too)…

I spotted you don’t need to be round 100% of the time to be a great father or mother:

“I’ve my seven-year-old son for every week, then every week off. At first, I couldn’t think about being away from him for therefore lengthy. However I had a number of divorced associates, and so they guided me by means of the grieving course of. One buddy instructed me, ‘You possibly can name me day or evening, and I’ll be there.’ Gestures like that have been my lifeline. Additionally, for the primary time since having my son, I’m experiencing roles outdoors of caretaking, like being a gift buddy, a sister, and a 40-something-woman on the courting scene. It’s a lot enjoyable. I used to suppose {that a} ‘good mom’ was along with her children on a regular basis, however that’s not true. The fact is you could be a current father or mother and make your baby really feel liked and safe with out being with them 24/7.” — Emily

I discovered area to discover my queerness:

“We ‘nested’ for the primary 12 months — that means, our youngsters stayed within the residence, and my ex and I rented a one-bedroom down the road, the place we’d swap off staying when it wasn’t our time with the children. Leaving my children — just like the precise act of leaving — that first weekend was so exhausting. I cried exhausting as I rolled my suitcase down the road. However these blocks of free time became moments the place I might discover my sexual identification. Having each different weekend to discover this new aspect of myself, construct my queer neighborhood, and work by myself therapeutic and progress was the most important silver lining. I additionally really feel so open with my children, and we speak about the whole lot — parenting, divorce, sexuality, the world. I feel that as a result of they see me being my genuine self, they really feel like they are often their genuine selves, too.” — Lexi

I used to be alone in my home for the primary time, ever:

“My divorce got here after years of being a ‘married single father or mother.’ I labored full time and took on the majority of home and caretaking work. I had by no means been alone in my home EVER! Not even for an hour! So, that first weekend was magical. I slept in. I went for lengthy walks on my own. I ate no matter I needed (Thai curry) every time I needed (9 p.m.) wherever I needed (in mattress, alone)! My baseline for years had been overstimulated, overworked, all the time multitasking, all the time placing others first, and working from a shortage mindset when it got here to time. I’m really shocked by how little disappointment has include my ‘off’ weekends. One other shock? Feeling nearer than ever to my children, post-divorce. My partner and I weren’t aligned on parenting instincts or world views in any respect, so whereas it’s exhausting realizing that they’re getting a really totally different expertise at dad’s home, I lastly get to father or mother how I all the time dreamed of parenting. This brings a lot pleasure and confidence to my position as a mother.” — Annie

9 Women Talk About Joint Custody — the Highs, Lows, and Surprises

I realized the way to drive a tractor and dangle cabinets:

“There are occasions after I miss my children, in fact, however I really feel alive in a approach I haven’t in years. I like seeing my associates extra usually and attempting new hobbies, like taking myself to karaoke! Additionally, my ex used to do all the home upkeep. Now, on my off days, I’ve realized the way to drive a tractor, dangle cabinets, change a towel bar, and stress wash the skin of the home. It feels empowering to be taught new abilities. I’ve additionally been relieved to search out that despite not being round my children 40% of the time, I really feel so, so near them. I’ve much more psychological and bodily power, and we do extra enjoyable actions collectively.” — Melinda, writer of Howdy, Merciless World! and the publication Now What

My feminine friendships flourished:

“Actual speak: I believed I used to be going to die the primary couple instances I didn’t have my daughter. I missed her a lot and felt gutted not being along with her daily. The grieving course of was wrenching. Through the years, I discovered that prioritizing friendship helped probably the most. Girls are sometimes siloed in nuclear households. After my divorce, I used to be free to spend extra time with associates — significantly my finest buddy, who has been a single mother from day one. This friendship has turn into crucial grownup relationship in my life. We’ve spent main holidays, holidays, and lengthy weekends along with our ladies. My daughter and I’ll drive to my buddy’s home on a Thursday evening, the place we’ll mounted dinner, put the children in entrance of a film, and stroll or lie in mattress and chat for hours. Our friendship has nourished me greater than any romantic relationship ever has. She’s my ‘particular person.’” — Claire

Mom helping her son through a tough level of Super Mario Land, 1989

Mother serving to her son by means of a troublesome degree of Tremendous Mario Land, 1989.

I might be extra current with my children as a result of I get breaks:

“One of many largest points in our marriage was the unequal distribution of childcare labor, so once we divorced, I’ll admit, I really liked that my ex must share the time. I felt like ‘Lastly, he’ll understand how disruptive children are to work life; lastly, he’ll really feel the ache of the two:55 p.m. pickup!’ Sure, it was an adjustment. However I had discovered motherhood all-consuming. Splitting custody made it really feel manageable. Additionally, now when my children are with me, I’m extra current as a result of I do know it’s not unending. So, I can lock in and be with them, realizing a break is baked in.” — Cindy, writer of The Mom Lode

My worst fears didn’t come true:

“I pushed off divorce approach too lengthy due to the concern of cut up custody. I’d play scenes in my head from movie and TV — like divorced moms crying at house with out their children, questioning what their life had turn into. My children are seven and 10, and I questioned if might preserve it collectively till my children turned 18. However then I spotted how far off ‘simply’ 10 extra years was. As quickly as we started shared custody, an enormous weight lifted. I spotted how a lot anxiousness I’d been carrying — not simply because parenting calls for fell unequally on me, however as a result of I used to be spending a lot time ‘working’ on my marriage and being consumed by these imagined eventualities. As a substitute, the fact of shared custody is stuffed with reduction, optimism, and time to reconnect with associates, myself, inventive tasks, neighborhood and activism. My children now have a mannequin for what it seems to be wish to go in opposition to the grain and create the life you need and wish — as a substitute of a mannequin of what it seems to be wish to robust it out for the sake of conforming to what we expect a household ought to appear to be.” — Amanda, writer of Touched Out and the publication Mad Girls, and co-host of Dire Straights

9 Women Talk About Joint Custody — the Highs, Lows, and Surprises

I’m going on her college area journeys on my ‘off’ days:

“Regardless that we’ve been co-parenting for a decade, I nonetheless really feel the duality of loving and grieving my time with out my daughter. On my off days, I’ve turn into extra concerned in her college, like area journeys and extracurricular actions. We additionally gave her a telephone, so she might have autonomy between the homes to talk to the opposite father or mother, and I like that we are able to change little texts all week. One among our favourite issues is enjoying New York Occasions video games each morning.” — Marie, writer of the publication Notes from Marie

Alone time grew to become among the best elements:

“To my shock, what I used to be most of afraid of turned out to be the most important perk of this 50/50 co-parenting arrange. I used to be fearful of the weekends the place I wouldn’t have the children. I believed I might be depressing, sitting depressed in my residence. However whereas I do miss the children, I’m excited to have weekends to myself, to recharge, spend time with associates or just sit on my sofa and skim. I had utterly forgotten what it felt wish to be simply me. It’s superb!” — Tina

9 Women Talk About Joint Custody — the Highs, Lows, and Surprises

Do you share joint custody of your children? What has your expertise been? Any recommendation you’d share?

P.S. 5 issues that shocked me about divorce, and the script we used to speak to children about divorce.
P.P.S. And, on Massive Salad, what it felt wish to have intercourse for the primary time post-divorce, and how have you learnt if it’s time to get divorced?

(Pictures, from prime, by Atolas/Stocksy, Studio Firma/Stocksy, Scott Wolford, Evgenij Yulkin/Stocksy, and Bruce and Rebecca Meissner/Stocksy.)


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